New Home

Just letting anyone that's interested know.. this blog is being dismantled and moving to a new home.It's just time for a change.. Thanks to all that have followed.. If interested .. FB my inbox and when it is ready, I'll send the new link.. It's been fun!

What the heck IS exactly the plan?

... those were my EXACT thoughts as I went out walking today...as I looked up to see the beautiful patch of blue sky....my thoughts were...What EXACTLY is THE plan God?? Helloooo, are you there??


and the EXACT "thought" that popped into my head was.....


#`1. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jer. 29:11

and no joke.. the next IMMEDIATE "thought" was this song... specifically these words...

#2  For YOU,...for YOU created my inmost being, YOU knit me together in my mothers womb.. I praise you O God...for I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know that full well...My frame,.... my frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book, before one of them came to be.
How precious are YOUR thoughts about me..O God... How vast is the sum of them!
If I were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand!

This song literally makes me cry every time I hear it..and it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Today....after struggling with some thoughts about people,and relationships.. and what I'm doing, should be doing..going to do.. who I am.. who people think I should be....where things are headed.. or NOT...Complicated relationships.....

I started thinking about the last few years of  changes.. struggles...loss.. grief... the unending grief.. over the loss of so many things...and how that all has led me to this time...

parents, loved ones.. friends...family...stability.. security.. job.. health...

broken and lost friendships...  

 this song and verse put things into perspective

People have their thoughts, their perceptions, their  perspectives...They have their excuses and hurtful words...They have their insecurities...they have their beliefs they hide behind...People have issues they need to deal with....I can't help them with that..and quite honestly.. I don't want to anymore..

I can't be.. what people want me to be, or need me to be...I can only be ME.. who I was CREATED to be.

I have changed. I realize that.. but how could that NOT happen with everything that has taken place over the last couple years.

I don't know if it's all the life events.. all the losses.. the constant changes...

They've changed me...and in my mind... I've wondered if the changes have been for the better..Some have been, for that I am sure.

Seems some people don't think so..

but.. is it THEIR opinion that I should be worrying about?

What I DO know is..That even thru these changes ..God has a plan for me.. and is leading me in the direction HE wants....I am thankful for the hope I have in HIM...and the future He already know's about....

and in this season of quiet...He's growing me....He's strengthening me....He's healing me.

with or without friends.. with or without those relationships that I THOUGHT were important..

I kind of feel like I've been shedding off the old skin and growing a new one... and in that shedding.. just may be  some friendships and relationships...

All my days.. ALL my days.. were ordained for me in HIS book.. before they came to be..

I don't have all the answers.. I don't know who will be standing by my side along this journey.. who may come and go....

I don't know how things will end up, ..but HE does.. and for me.. right NOW..that's all that matters....

*When God is all you have.. you have all you need

 

The Broken Chain

 So I have been sitting on this post. Mostly because I think I'm worrying about what I perceive other peoples perceptions are.. about where I'm at.. I realized this week though.. after losing another childhood friend..(she was only 43)  that other peoples perceptions don't really matter...People don't know my heart.... or what has really transpired in this journey of grief...What matters is.. if this blurb on grief helps ONE person.. then it's worth it putting it out there...I know SO many people going thru the process and some, that have been continually having to go thru it, like me...if this helps someone realize they are normal in their grief process.. and that it's ok to go thru it..then this is worth it..regardless of  other people's perceptions
..
*written 1/24

I have this chain.
My husband.. he bought it for me two years ago. He thought it was a great deal on some really nice "gold" jewelry. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was gold plated. I was so touched he even THOUGHT  about jewelry....it was a BIG deal, if you know what I'm saying.
He gave it to me for Christmas 2 years ago. A week after my adopt. mom died.
A week after my world changed forever.
I put that "gold" chain on, that Christmas he gave it to me...and have never taken it off... except for once.. when I HAD to..to have a CT scan, and with shaking hands I took it off.. and almost had a stroke while doing it.
I had put my mom's wedding band on that chain.
As silly as it sounds, I couldn't stand to part with it.
It represents to me so many things.. My husbands love.. the love of my mom to my dad...and it's all I have left of her.
Fast forward to 8 months ago, May 2011.... after a very long, courageous battle, my adopt. dad died. I have added his ring to this "gold" chain. This chain that, tho really not "gold" is far more valuable then any amt. of real gold...
It was given with much love, and holds on it....LOVE.. .
This "gold" chain now holds both my parents wedding bands.
It's kind of funny..I have never been the superstitious type, and don't feel like I am now... but...I find myself sometimes when I'm nervous, or anxious or can't sleep... grabbing for that chain and those rings... and I just hold them. There's something comforting about just having them, touching them...just feeling their smoothness.. both of them together..they seem to calm me...the unending circles...
Lately, I've been thinking maybe it was time to take the chain, with these precious rings.. off.
Yup..you heard right.. for some reason...I just thought, maybe it's time...??

Tonight, while reading a book..(coincidentally about a woman who had been separated from her mom, when she was a child...and was searching for her)
I unconsciously had been holding the rings on the chain.. and next thing I know.. the chain was in my lap..the rings slipped down with the chain. The rings were in my lap..
The chain was broken.
I gasped.. Loudly..and cried out louder
and quite unexpectedly... the tears started...and panic set in.
Unrelenting...followed by the sobs...
of a broken heart..
My husband looked up...saw the tears.. saw the chain..saw those two round unending circles that held all the love a child could hold... those rings that meant so much to me...
I ran with my rings.. praying I had another chain.. sobbing.. that I couldn't NOT wear them...
and ....
The man who bought me this beautiful, fake, gold plated, worn out, cheap, chain....
followed me..
and wrapped his arms around me...as I sobbed... and he just held me.
I sobbed as I told him I knew it was dumb...that it shouldn't be that important, that I still have my parents wedding bands around my neck....... close to my heart...
I sobbed that I was sorry I broke his cheap chain...
and he just held me...and quietly said none of it was dumb.. and he just held me.
 I told him that I didn't think that I was ready.. to let go of them..
He told me I shouldn't ever let go...
and that he would buy me a new chain..
a REAL chain.

This, unexpectedly, was one of those grief moments.. that ....just happen. All because of a broken chain.
A broken parent/child chain,
 ...One of those times that you have absolutely NO control over,
no control over  the grief that envelopes you, so out of the blue..
But that's what grief is.. and does.. there's no rhyme or reason.All you can do is go through it.

I remember asking  an older gentleman, who I had heard speak on grief, and loss.. after the death of his wife...if I would ever stop crying? I asked him if  the tears would ever stop, if the void in my heart would ever heal.   He looked at me and said.. " To NOT cry or grieve, would be like saying you were never blessed to have been able to love that person"  
Wise words.. that I've never forgotten..

Grief.. it's part of a process...
Crying..does NOT mean you're weak, when going thru the grief process
It is strong, and sometimes overwhelming for people
It is a natural reaction to loss(es)
It's universal,It's personal
It can last for months,It can last for years
It has no timetable.It's necessary
It's ok to get help, if the grief is too overwhelming
Grief....Is healing.



**  A chain is no stronger than its weakest link, and life is after all a chain.  **