Monday, July 12, 2010

Love and Loss

So yea, it's been awhile again.. but it's been a long year, with lots goin on..I really haven't been able to think clearly for months.. Hopefully, AGAIN :).. I'll be on track. These are some thoughts that have floating around my heart and head.. :)
As of July 2010, I have been thru 12 deaths...in the past year.. 5 of them close family members... the last 2 -my adoptive mom, after a brave battle with  Alzheimer's, and my friend from her courageous fight with pancreatic cancer..These last two... I'm seriously wondering if  I will ever REALLY recoup from....I have never known that deep of an ache before.. that deep of a heart pain...that wraps itself around you and squeezes the breathe right out of you.Sometimes just the thought of them, or of a memory..a smell,... a sound.. a song... takes my breath away.
In the midst of this awful grief though, sometimes comes some ripples of memories of them, of things they shared with me, of their life walk, of their example of faith....They were both strong,courageous, faithFilled woman.. I know they would NOT want me to grieve for them. I KNOW they would want me to remember them and smile, that  they would want me to LIVE....and so for them.. I am going to try...I will embrace their legacy of courage, love and faith that they have left us... and hopefully one day be able to share it with someone else.
 I've done ALOT of thinking about all the losses.. and how it's affected me.  It definitely has changed me. How can it NOT?  I've learned to love a little harder, to cherish friends and family more, and to be more grateful in general for life. I think we all tend to take life for granted, and the people closest to our hearts... until you start to  suffer loss after loss and you begin to lose the ones you took for granted...You  don't get it.. you can't.until it happens to you....
I'm trying to learn to put aside my pride, and just LOVE people.. even when I don't understand, and they don't understand -why... I'm learning to SAY I love you..
I could take all these losses  and become bitter, and angry, but I'm choosing to NOT go that route.
My mom always used to tell me that I was one of the most giving and generous people she knew..I never really understood why she said that.. maybe because I felt I had come so far from that person.. but .I'm going to try to honor her and become that person again...
A good friend of mine told me that there is no timetable for grief.....and it's ok to cry over losing a loved one.. Well.. I've sure done a lot of crying, somedays it feels like the tears will never stop.. but I know they will one day.. and I know one day I will see my loved ones again.. THAT is the hope that I know... and that I cling to..it is what keeps me going.
I went to visit my dad the other day,.. for the first time since my mom died. He also has Alzheimer's . I went alone...probably shouldn't have, but did anyways..It was one of the hardest days.. it was also my mom's birthday.. I sat and held that once strong hand....that now my brother and I hold and protect..

and knew, that it won't be long before I have to say goodbye to him.. My heart broke in ways that are unexplainable....
Someone today asked how the visit went, and I said that I don't think I have much time left with him.. and that it was hitting me hard that I wouldn't have parents again.. ( I was adopted)... They looked at me, and said. "You'll be an orphan"... and I said.. "again"..... and proceeded to tear up....It was one of those moments where your life flashes in front of you.....and you remember ALL the losses of a lifetime..
I went home.. hugged my hubby, and cried with him a little... then I listened to the song below...and remembered.. and KNEW.. I was NEVER and will NEVER be an orphan.. I have a Father who has loved me unconditionally from before my beginning... and I NEVER walk alone...
 God KNEW me before I was formed...He KNEW  everything about me, He knows my yearnings, my loves, my loss....He IS my heart.....

          " Your works are wonderful, I know that full well...My frame was not hidden from you in that secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.... Your eyes saw my unformed body .  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before ONE of them came to be. How PRECIOUS are your thoughts about ME O God... how vast is the sum of them, and if I were to count them, they would out number the grains in the sand.  Search me O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139)...

THAT is an awesome thought. So I KNOW the He has already known my future before it has happened, and that HE has a plan for me... In THAT I rest...
Listen below ... and KNOW :)




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