Thursday, July 29, 2010

Summah time and secrets..

So I think it's summah time.....Life's been kinda crazy and I think I missed it....now that things are seeming to calm down, I realized it's almost August! Bummer....didn't get to really do any of the things I was hoping to do...
Not too much time on the water with the yaks, no s'mores.. no beach, *sigh*.....no biking...  where does the time go?  You wait all winter for the cold and snow to go, PRAYING summer sun and fun gets here SOOooon... only to have it disappear before before you realize it started...
Got to fix this...got to get out there and make things happen.. Life's too short....Can't stay in wishing for what was, when there's so much life going on all around me....*sigh*
One thing I did actually get done, with A LOT of prodding and pushing from friends was submit a couple photos to some contests...SHHHHhhhhhhh it's a secret.. =)... Kinda getting excited.. should hear in a week or two about one special picture. I submitted  to the state governors commission contest...It's a special photo.. not many would understand WHY.. but I guess that doesn't matter....
After my friend died from cancer, I was pretty much just wondering around in a funk..I was functioning on a day to day basis... because I had to.. I was physically there.. but not mentally or emotionally... I was grieving big time.. kind of in a state of shock almost on some days....so much happened, over such a long period of time...then it was over.. just like that.....
Sometimes, when things are bad, I walk to this log I've found while walking my dog....I'll sit on it, listen to my music.. think about people in my life...cry... smile, laugh.. grieve....be thankful..or sometimes during those tough times, I've been able to pick up my camera and kinda get lost behind the lens and take some really nice pictures..
I hadn't been able to do that for a few months.. take pictures..... my heart just couldn't...emotions too raw....
So this one day, I was really having a rough time.. I was missing her a lot.. her family...all that was....
I needed an outlet.... so I decided to pick up my camera and try .....try to capture something...try to help release some of the grief and pain....
,,, It was lilac season.. When you opened my windows and doors... the scent of them was so strong and beautiful! ....I went out to check and see how far  along the blossoms where, all the while thinking about my friend....memories of fun times, sad times...
I started taking pics of the flowers thinking how she would have loved the smell of them...I started crying a little.. wishing I could just sit on her porch one more time.....watch the hummers one more time...talk about life one more time....people we loved.. memories we'd made....
As I was going around the bush...thinking all these things.. suddenly this butterfly appeared right in front of me and my camera ...on a lilac... It honestly made me catch my breath....My very first thought when I saw it was of her....Now I know it sounds crazy.... but it kept following me around the bush....landing in front of me and my camera.... I started smiling...
Such a simple thing of beauty, suddenly appears as I'm thinking of my friend.... almost like it was sent by her to say " HEY! ..it's ok.. I'm still with you guys....don't be sad.. see the beauty that's still in life... I love you.. I'm here"
I actually started crying walking around this bush with the butterfly.... It was one of those moments that no one really would understand.. and you can't explain......unless you lived it....
So anyways... those pics are very special to me..they came out beautiful!  I call them Annie's Butterfly.. I'm hoping .. in honor of her, that one of them might win one of the contests... It would mean a lot to me...because she meant so much to me..

I carry that memory of the butterfly with me.. It reminds me of Annie's  will to live and her courage.. it reminds me of  how precious life is, and how she would want us LIVE it...would want us to continue on without her.. as hard as it is..... how she would want us to see the beauty around us even in the little things, how she would want us  to love and live.... even thru the tears..

2 comments:

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