Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Broken Chain

 So I have been sitting on this post. Mostly because I think I'm worrying about what I perceive other peoples perceptions are.. about where I'm at.. I realized this week though.. after losing another childhood friend..(she was only 43)  that other peoples perceptions don't really matter...People don't know my heart.... or what has really transpired in this journey of grief...What matters is.. if this blurb on grief helps ONE person.. then it's worth it putting it out there...I know SO many people going thru the process and some, that have been continually having to go thru it, like me...if this helps someone realize they are normal in their grief process.. and that it's ok to go thru it..then this is worth it..regardless of  other people's perceptions
*written 1/24

I have this chain.
My husband.. he bought it for me two years ago. He thought it was a great deal on some really nice "gold" jewelry. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was gold plated. I was so touched he even THOUGHT  about was a BIG deal, if you know what I'm saying.
He gave it to me for Christmas 2 years ago. A week after my adopt. mom died.
A week after my world changed forever.
I put that "gold" chain on, that Christmas he gave it to me...and have never taken it off... except for once.. when I HAD have a CT scan, and with shaking hands I took it off.. and almost had a stroke while doing it.
I had put my mom's wedding band on that chain.
As silly as it sounds, I couldn't stand to part with it.
It represents to me so many things.. My husbands love.. the love of my mom to my dad...and it's all I have left of her.
Fast forward to 8 months ago, May 2011.... after a very long, courageous battle, my adopt. dad died. I have added his ring to this "gold" chain. This chain that, tho really not "gold" is far more valuable then any amt. of real gold...
It was given with much love, and holds on it....LOVE.. .
This "gold" chain now holds both my parents wedding bands.
It's kind of funny..I have never been the superstitious type, and don't feel like I am now... but...I find myself sometimes when I'm nervous, or anxious or can't sleep... grabbing for that chain and those rings... and I just hold them. There's something comforting about just having them, touching them...just feeling their smoothness.. both of them together..they seem to calm me...the unending circles...
Lately, I've been thinking maybe it was time to take the chain, with these precious rings.. off. heard right.. for some reason...I just thought, maybe it's time...??

Tonight, while reading a book..(coincidentally about a woman who had been separated from her mom, when she was a child...and was searching for her)
I unconsciously had been holding the rings on the chain.. and next thing I know.. the chain was in my lap..the rings slipped down with the chain. The rings were in my lap..
The chain was broken.
I gasped.. Loudly..and cried out louder
and quite unexpectedly... the tears started...and panic set in.
Unrelenting...followed by the sobs...
of a broken heart..
My husband looked up...saw the tears.. saw the chain..saw those two round unending circles that held all the love a child could hold... those rings that meant so much to me...
I ran with my rings.. praying I had another chain.. sobbing.. that I couldn't NOT wear them...
and ....
The man who bought me this beautiful, fake, gold plated, worn out, cheap, chain....
followed me..
and wrapped his arms around I sobbed... and he just held me.
I sobbed as I told him I knew it was dumb...that it shouldn't be that important, that I still have my parents wedding bands around my neck....... close to my heart...
I sobbed that I was sorry I broke his cheap chain...
and he just held me...and quietly said none of it was dumb.. and he just held me.
 I told him that I didn't think that I was ready.. to let go of them..
He told me I shouldn't ever let go...
and that he would buy me a new chain..
a REAL chain.

This, unexpectedly, was one of those grief moments.. that ....just happen. All because of a broken chain.
A broken parent/child chain,
 ...One of those times that you have absolutely NO control over,
no control over  the grief that envelopes you, so out of the blue..
But that's what grief is.. and does.. there's no rhyme or reason.All you can do is go through it.

I remember asking  an older gentleman, who I had heard speak on grief, and loss.. after the death of his wife...if I would ever stop crying? I asked him if  the tears would ever stop, if the void in my heart would ever heal.   He looked at me and said.. " To NOT cry or grieve, would be like saying you were never blessed to have been able to love that person"  
Wise words.. that I've never forgotten..

Grief.. it's part of a process...
Crying..does NOT mean you're weak, when going thru the grief process
It is strong, and sometimes overwhelming for people
It is a natural reaction to loss(es)
It's universal,It's personal
It can last for months,It can last for years
It has no timetable.It's necessary
It's ok to get help, if the grief is too overwhelming
Grief....Is healing.

**  A chain is no stronger than its weakest link, and life is after all a chain.  **


Sally said...

Beautiful words Cathy - and SO worth posting!!

Melanie said...

Beautiful and from the heart...
I'm glad you shared.

Stacy said...

Needed to hear this today,and as I sit here with tears streaming down my face I needed someone to tell it is ok to be who I am in my grief.

Cathy said...

It IS ok Stacy...and I will be praying for you as you go thru the grief's painful..yet healing, in time.'ll get there..If you ever want to chat..I'm here. <3